Criticize or Cultivate
Are you a person that cultivates change or criticizes and judges and hopes for change? Constructive criticism is still criticism and can be punitive even when the intention is to inform. Constructive feedback is information without the sting of critical judgment. When you look at personal growth through the lens of ever evolving and changing, you can see that every failure is an opportunity for growth. In every misstep there is a lesson to be learned, whether you learn it or not is up to you.
Recently, one of my students asked if a wife’s actions toward her husband were manipulative. I told her every action has potential to be manipulative because to manipulate means to move or influence change. I can manipulate a person or object just by physically moving them. A parent’s words can move their children into action or make them freeze in fear. Any action that one takes upon another, good or bad, can be a form of manipulation.
Good intentions with poor outcomes can happen when the message gets lost in the presentation. When we criticize someone over poor grades, a dirty room, or a lack of motivation, we might be forecasting a predetermined outcome. If you say, “You’ll never be (fill in the blank), the recipient of this judgment has two options, prove you right or prove you wrong.
What you tell a child a belief you have in them (good or bad), that belief becomes their own. When my daughter was young, I rejected many common norms for my child because they encouraged mediocrity and unity over excellence and individuality. When she wanted to play tennis in high school I was thrilled as I was CIF champion in tennis in my youth. Then, during a tournament, I saw the coaches rotate players before a winner could be determined so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. No losers meant no winners either. What I recognized was that instead of the hope of increasing the student’s self-esteem, student’s felt the effort was a waste of time and didn’t play anymore. Instead of learning to be a winner they became quitters.
Much of the struggles young adults have today is because they learned how to quit instead of learning how to strive for excellence. It’s much harder to motivate an employee than it is to motivate a young child and consequently, those children are now unable to keep a job or receive promotions because they do the minimum required of them. Sadly, others who compare how hard they work get discouraged because they feel their work goes unrewarded. Recently I heard someone say a phrase I wholeheartedly agree with, “Dreams don’t come true without hard work.” Teach your children to dream big, work hard, and live exceptional.
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6